Musings on the Virgo Full Moon

Happy Virgo full moon everyone! I'm not sure if you've been lucky enough to see the moon in the evening sky over the last couple of days, but it is huuuge and beautiful and when I look up at her I just feel an overwhelming sense of calm, and if your days have felt anything like mine, that is a most welcome feeling <3 

While I wrote in my last moon musing that true to Pisces I was drifting between any and every topic to write about, true to Virgo this theme has made itself blatantly clear and I've been receiving ample opportunities in my own life to reexamine this massive theme...

Energy leaks. 

What I've found fascinating over the last couple of weeks is how my view of energy leaks has changed (good ol' mercury retrograde encouraging a review of certain themes in our lives!). Energy leaks to me are about discernment - one of Virgo's favourite words. Looking at what's in front of you and sifting through what works and what doesn't. Being discerning, honest enough to examine if what's showing up in your life is actually supporting you.

I used to think of energy leaks having only to do with other people. Its become a bit of a buzzword I feel about energy leaks and boundaries these days. Keep the people out that don't serve you! Protect yourself at all costs! Don't fuck with me, world! And that's awesome and super necessary, especially when you're dealing with a lot in your own life and needing to make sure your energy reserves are topped up. I just can't help but laugh that I can actually use this phrase, but I had to fix a massive energy leak with a guru in Bali last week. A GURU guys! I know, right haha?! But I had to! TWICE. And it was really challenging for me at first. I didn't want to cause any awkwardness, upset our mutual friend, and all these other reasons why it'd be "easier" not to say anything. But with a slight nudge from a friend, I realized that I owed it to myself to say something. To stand up for myself and say what I needed to say because I simply deserved to. He was making me more anxious every day, and I'll be damned if a guru in Bali who I've never met and I'm doing a favour for is going to drain me of what little energy reserves I have. And as soon as I hit 'send', I felt lighter. I didn't realize how much it was weighing me down until I finally released it. As is often the case with energy leaks, I feel. They can be hard to find, admit to ourselves, but once you decide enough is enough, a reservoir of energy seems to appear from nowhere, as if to say thank you. 

But what has been even more eyeopening for me recently is seeing the energy leaks that me, and only me, are responsible for. That I can't conveniently attribute to or blame on someone else. That are allllll me, baby. And it's time to take ownership of them. 

I see these personal energy leaks as falling into two categories (another favourite word of Virgo!) - External and Internal. The external energy leaks are a result of choices that we've made, continue to make. The biggest one of late in my life was my choice to have been gypsying around for the last ten months. While I have no regrets and it was exactly what I needed to do, I had never seen it as an energy leak until last week when I felt completely drained of every last ounce of energy from all the moving. I've been wasting a lot of energy moving - packing & unpacking, cleaning, driving. Repeat. Over. And over. And over again. I was moving so much that it felt like I couldn't think clearly anymore, like my head was constantly spinning. But as is often the case with energy leaks, I finally reached my breaking point. No. More. I had to drain all my energy to realize that it was me, and only me, that chose this. That I had to be the one to tell myself - Enough. Fucking enough! To be discerning in my own life and realize that this choice was no longer supporting me and my needs. It had been supporting me! But just like with people, our choices and actions require constant reviews to see if they're supporting us in this moment, not where/who we were in the past. So now that I can finally see that choice as an energy leak, I can take the appropriate action to figure out the next steps so I don't allow that drain to happen again. 

Then there's the internal energy leaks. And this, I have come to realize, is the mother of all energy leaks. At least for me :) What I mean by internal energy leaks are the unsupportive stories we tell ourselves about who we are, what we deserve, what we are capable of. These can come from a wack of different sources - ancestral, societal, cultural - but no matter where they come from, they try and hold us back. They can paralyze us. They can run so deep within us that we forget that they aren't actually us! And we all have them. The 'I'm not enough', the 'I'm a fraud', the 'I'm powerless', the 'I'm unloveable', and on and on they go. You can spiral so hard down this rabbit hole, if you're anything like me. And the fact of the matter is, they're always going to be there in some capacity. They have a purpose! And if we think we're never going to be plagued with self-doubt, well we're going to be sadly disappointed I'm sorry to say haha! But what I do know now is that I have a choice in how much energy I give them. Because when I start feeding into my story of ~ fill in the blank ~,  I literally feel my whole being zapped of energy, of life it feels. I become apathetic. I feel small and want to remain that way. I want to curl up in a ball and tell myself that those stories are right, I can't accomplish anything I want to, so why even bother? And lo and behold the voice within me held me back more than any external person ever could. 

So at this full moon, with mercury finishing up its retrograde today and starting to move forward again (yes, we can collectively exhale a bit deeper), I have become witness to the various aspects in my life that have been draining me of my energy - others, my choices, my self-talk. I have seen where I give my energy, and ultimately my power, away. It is time for me to be discerning about when, where and to who I give my energy to, what stories I choose to believe. Because if it's keeping me small, exhausted and feeling powerless, then in the words of someone somewhere, FUCK THAT! Nope. No more. Time to mend those leaks and return to supporting myself, my dreams, my goals. Time to be discerning of what stories build me up, and which take me down. Time to be honest with myself about my patterns of where I tend to leak my energy. Time to commit to myself that I am worth having to say the uncomfortable thing, do the unthinkable thing, if it means I have even an ounce more energy than I did before. Because I'm worth it. You're worth it. Even if that little (massive) voice inside our heads is trying to tell us otherwise. 

It's up to us to discern which voice gets to run the show from here on out. And I'm choosing - 

“I am Beyonce. Always” - Michael Scott

I love you all the mostest! Seriously. The mostest. 

Xx Faye